Universal Truth

Sitting in the airport is a common theme for me. Traveling is more frequent than it has ever been in my life. Through the course of my life; really my existence....I have created an idea of what life has become for me. It's not really complicated in the sense of execution but it has become apparent to me that life is complex because of one thing. SELF.

We are so focused on our inability to fully recognize the truth of our existence. I don't know if its a social phenomenon manifested by nurture or nature. Either way it has become a universal truth. That somehow we are the direct reflection of our life experience! While I believe that experience has a direct correlation to our behavior... I truly believe that our ability to awaken to the truth that we are the master of our destiny is becoming more apparent in my walk in this journey we call life... More apparent in that there is a lack of... Many people walk around so webbed in their own thoughts that there ego consume 95% of there behavior. When we talk about zombies.... I truly believe that walking dead behavior is a true testament that~~ as human ~~ we walk around living in our thoughts~~not allowing our truth to manifest our destiny.... Or lack of.

Why do we spend so hours allowing our thoughts to determine our behaviors, performance, social  interactions. Why do we allow the umbrella of social acceptance drive our life in respect to our religion, politics, social norms. I'm convinced that we think that we are living our best life but the reality is we are really living a universal perception of our TRUTH. I am what society expects me to be. So, society then has the ability to mold your personal truth based off social acceptance.

Feel free to draw outside the lines. Ask the questions that define your personal truth and expand the
Boundaries for your personal existence. There are guidelines to living life and the Bible is a testament to really building a solid foundation. Be cognoscent that it is the concrete that enables you to build your life story by story and that your empire is your ability to create your won truth... And that is universal... There is no timeline for success... It is your truth that fundamentally excites the mass and those masses are seekong their own truth. They are looking for a place to begin their truth. Your empire like your story has office space...

We are the standard barrier for our perception of reality. And while it is an individualistic effort... We all have a universal desire to do one thing.... That is the ability to learn our own worth and reaso for our existence... That my friend so Universal....

What is your Truth........

Yesterday's Tomorrow

I was thinking about yesterday and how I would change what had become. Me sitting in my room in an unconscious state and very much alone. Why is it that I am without someone to something to call my own. Thinking about yesterday's and all that went wrong. I looked up at the clock and it was a quarter part 10:00. I laid in bed at 2 cause I felt like I had nothing to do. In the course of that time as it slowly tic toc'd all I could do was stare... At the phone, the TV and the ceiling.....but all that was there, were the thoughts of faults of my past and the emptiness of my future. I didn't think I was depressed just stressed. I didn't want to go anywhere. Didn't want to have to wear a smile that wasn't really there. Entertain folks who don't really care. Sitting in my room, while melancholy melodies and blues filled the air.
That was my life once upon a time when I kept thinking that I could rewind the hands of time and if I couldn't I would try to make tomorrow better by focusing in my past. I was manifesting a cypher of continuous distress. Trying to relive moments making a difference from the yesterday... but really only created similar situations like a broken record, over and over was the outcome, because I was reliving What wasnt meant to be changed. It can't be exchanged its written and thru. Part of lessons learned you have to let go. Learn and move on.
The best part of life is living Has to begin with you
Now is where memories are made, lessons are learned. Bridges are built to cross and sometimes they are meant to be burned. Then, I started to focus on how to be a better me. Watching into a hour glass focusing on future possibilities. Staring into the future of complete Unknowns. Why do I wonder what the future holds. If it is predetermined or created by me, either way you define it is still a distant unmasked memory. It still hasn't introduced itself but in time it does indeed. So, laying in a room alone musing on all these things. Like how I'll be successful or why things aren't happening. What makes my life feel like its in a rut. It's my thoughts I think that suspends me in time. Plays with my emotions and tricks reality into thinking that what is real is what I was losing in my past and i have to make it up somewhere. maybe in tomorrow cause right now is toooo early and i really don't care. Realizing I was focusing on yesterday and tomorrow and neither of them where here. Like why would I put some much of my life on the line for something I can't change and something that isn't yet defined... Seriously, how many hours have I spent wishing on things that can't be undone and stressing over moments that have not even begun. The crazy part about it is that we hold the key to unlocking our own happiness and creating our own destiny. How did it take me so long to see that the only thing that was holding me back from happiness was me. And as much as its easier to lay between the sheets eating ice cream and fantasizing about probabilities.
What makes life wonderful in all its mystery is realizing that NOW is all we have that's true. It's influences time that becomes a memories and initiates the ability to create and maximize opportunities. Is sitting at home in all that sorrow going to change yesterday or tomorrow. Getting out and living life is the best thing to do. When your in a rut, stopping thinking about what ifs. Think about you and where you are at that moment in time. You should be out living your life. I am starting to realize that nothing in life is free.... Well, there is something that is absolutely free and I know now~It's the time I invest in me. Stop worrying about what can't be changed and contemplating on what the future holds. Today is what is real and happiness now is what you should feel. Tomorrow isn't a guarantee and yesterday can't be recreated. It where it needs to be. Yesterday's tomorrow is the life and where you should live daily.

In Love with Love DTD

Mr. Man of My Dreams :)

Dear Mr. Man (of my dreams)

            Hi! Hope when you receive this letter you are in the best of  health. As for me, I am doing well. I don’t know if you will ever read this;  because you have no face, you are merely a vision of a love misplaced—seeking only to be found.

           I spent endless nights in thought about who I prayed for you to be. Wishing on particulars, men I wish where meant for me. I know you have a reason, why you have shadowed in my dreams and walk with me in

 silence; edifying who you will be to me.

          I see your strength and credence. You’ve  carried me through many tempest—wiped away my tears as they fell like raindrops in a storm.  Regardless of my insolence-- you understood and waited patiently believing in the essence of my character--- You know me--the truth in who I am—the essentials of my makeup; understanding the faults of man. You are the other half to my whole-- withdrawn from you; the missing rib God took from you to create  me; you’ve known together we’d be complete as if all along manifested in me--- your soul mate.

           Hope in time to find you; in my dreams you’ve come to me. I have traveled this path willingly—single and frequently lonely...knowing in time I prepare to be; All the women you want---all you'll ever need. I have

 learned to love myself and prepare to take care of you endlessly. I found my own independence so that you would never have to become a sorrowful man who became a replica of me. Learning who you are instead of sitting at home

 unwillingly. We share a laughter of life’s memories; each with separate but webbed entities. You have your own world and I have mine; but in the end we share in the grand scheme of things--every minute of our time.

     Learned to be patient as you create your  mold; of a person—to have--to spoon and to hold. A spit image of a man; attractive to me—yet not as I expected only how it’s intended to be. Intelligence gained through wisdom—accumulated learning from the streets and a sense so common---book smarts comes with ease. A high sense of accomplishment and a desire to achieve not for you or for me—more for WE! Mastery of your passion- creating perfection through determination and the endless  love you have for me. You’ve shown you have a desire to manifest yourself and display your love and life to a lifetime devotion to the women you find in my dreams. I will be to you Mr. Man ---I will be your aspiration, support and dedication to you without delay. I will sacrifice myself to you and raise your family. Work on hand and knee to create our truth and destiny. Only the word will this be. Only through Gods infinite wisdom and word- my desire is to give you my life; giving all of me to you as you have given to me!. Patiently I will wait for you and I will continue to wait patiently. You will continue to come to me  nightly in  my dreams--in time -- I will finally see, everything I wanted in you-- Mr. Man was always with a face---waiting patiently not in front or

behind but  right long side of me!!!!

In love with love  DTD "2005"

Butterfly

 I was reading a novel an early morning autumn day

Its flowers falling randomly, brushing those away that fell to my face

The rays of sunlight peeped through the clouds and warmth filled my space

Then dancing  under a weeping willow

A single butterfly, new like it had just been released from its cocoon

Flew as if it had been dancing to a joy and playful melodic tune

Its radiance was emacculant

Violet, red and a tint of baby blue

Never had I been drawn to a creature and this became an attraction for my inquisition; enchanted 

I watched as it danced, and wonder where it had been, why it was lonely and traveled without a friend

The butterfly flew with determination for it seemed it knew how to fly but was still in the process of trying to figure out why

So, I laid my novel down and raised my seat to see and I thought I would provide it assistance and take it home with me

I placed it a weaved box and it entered willingly

I took it home and placed it in a big, jar with a top poked with holes in cased it in glass.

watched it fly so freely or atleast At first it seemed.

Daily I would release the butterfly and it would dance in search for its soul and then I would lock it up because it was mine to cherish, thinking I was giving it time to grow

Days passed and watching I could see, that the butterfly was weeping and it colors began to bleed

It never shed a tear, but its dance became a melancholy stance and its energy and determination became more like a task.

The butterfly was my essence it lead to a place of enjoyment, and for that I was appeased

In return its death would be the cost for the feeling it provided me

I opened up the window, it needed space to breathe, I had sheltered that butterfly long enough, I understood and for awhile didn’t want to believe

It danced in excitement as it flew into auburn sunset and I sat on my bed and sighed, picked up the book I never finished even began to write.

Preoccupied with my effect the butterfly had on me

Frustrated with loss and never knowing of its end I knew I would never see that one of a million butterfly ever again

And again I returned to the place under the willow where I ironically I would weep as my heart healed as I wrote new chapter in my book because that is what was  planned in life for me

Days passed and I learned the an idea of me, read and wrote more novels and loved other creatures for there individuality. It was years and I always returned to that tree

Spending hours learning myself and rehashing lifes memories

And one day a flower fell from the tree and a smell of lillies arose and I looked up to see

A butterfly danced as it flew to a joyful and melodic tune

Bright radiance for its violet, red and baby blue had now magnified and this the butterfly knew

It had reached it destiny and found where in life its intent was meant to be

The butterfly had found that its life was to begin and end with me. I knew and the butterfly knew it would always return to me.

Together Always Forever

Last night I had a dream about you. You said we would be together, that we would always be a we and that forever would be our eternity. That was short lived by the alarm clock and getting ready for work became my reality. I was in love with a mirage of a man.

He was full of lies but he made love so sweet. He had me wrapped like the wools clothing on a sheep. I met him at a time in my life when I had just gotten over another. I was busy with my life with no care in the world. To be honest, I was lonely and I didnt want to share my life, if only for one night. For awhile it would seem, I completely happy doing me. Then he came like a thief in the night and stole my heart and sanity sounds cliche but it was love at first sight. Now, I look back I was the ideal fool to the playa's eyes. From the time we met when I thought a mutual feeling. His intense passion was of a hunter who found his prey. He woo'ed me and like a playa he played.

Its not his fault and I will not let him take all the blame. I should of left him go when I realized he was a lame. See, she called me and told me he also loved her and that together always and forever is what he promised her ~~ they would be. DAMN, I was devastated but we had barely met and the distance between is what made me forgive and forget. Because how could you expect distance and a newly beautiful romance be the beginning of wedding bells and a father and daughter dance. I was head over heels in love with him so I believed his lies that I was his true love and in time he would have me as his bride. We were introduced as lovers to family and friends. If I knew now what I knew then; but hey it is something I needed to learn, its part of the life lessons need to make me a better woman for the RIGHT kinda man. You cant make him love you if his heart belongs to another "her". I was naive and maybe I love to hard or maybe I believed him when he said we would be together, that we would always be a we and that forever would be our eternity.

I gave myself to him and to ensure his sanity. See, he didnt make me, I thought at that time for "we". That I needed to be submissive and be the woman a real man needed his Lady to be.  That again, is not his fault either, I stopped being me for us not him. Living my life for his needs forgetting because "we", now I know it was all about him. Not his fault, I misused my time and believe me when I say that I am now fully aware that he never loved me. he abused the word "LOVE" and he will one day see, that women like me are't found so easily.

He kissed, carressed and loved me like I needed to be loved. We talked and shared a romance that some will never understand and maybe that is why there was soo much trust, but I was investing in the idea that  "we would be together, that we would always be a we and that forever was suppose to be our eternity".

In the end, which is what happened ultimately. He found his love with another or the same her living together and I really dont care if it is happy or unhappily ever after.

Let me tell you why, there will not be another tear that falls from my eyes. Love wont hurt you intentionally or treat you with ill intent. Love wont exploit you and make me feel like a fool to self, him or to them. To be honest, I only know the kind of love I know and that loves is real. So, maybe that is the kinda of love he knows and he thinks his love is the real deal.

Just know I will be his shadow in the middle of his day and the evening wind that silently whispers my name. All the moments that reminds him of every moment ~the passion and love I/We made. My love is pure in all my faults and will remain the same. For the right one or many more. He will never feel the kinda of love I gave him and he always regret it and he will compare. He was who he was with me. The person he truly was, he didnt have to lie or atleast thats what it seemed, hahahaha. He was a lie even with me. so forever he can ponder on the way things could of been. While I am making love to my always and forever; together with the right kinda man...it just won't be with him.

Ready to Love again.

In Love with Love DTD

Walk with me

Passion comes in many forms. My internal  drive is stimulated by challenging myself through personal growth, the love of travel and fascination with humanity.

Helping people find their passion (whatever it may be) is a very conscious action for me.  Ours goals may be totally different, but the objectives is the same. For those with goals it is to reach that destination. And in that moment that our paths cross, if we journey towards our goals together. We will both branch off when we reach that fork in the road. It's in those moments that we are strengthened when we are weary and in doubt. In return a bond in friendship and love is created for life! 

Walk with me...

In Love with Love DTD

Love's Melting Pot

Sometime towards the end of 2011,  I was going through my emails. Hopelessly trying to find an old remnant of my past. It obviously didn't happen, but I stumbled on a lot of my term papers. One of which was a philosophy paper on (guess what?) LOVE. I read through it and it is amazing how I've evolved but somehow, I never changed. However, me finding those paper was almost like an epiphany. I know it was meant for me to come across the term paper because I talked about Love's Melting Pot. It you have ever had a conversation with me about relationship and how we are attracted to one another you will probably know the content of the context way before I get to through the finish line (pun intended) Enjoy my thoughts anyway.

Love is intangible. Materials don't define it, money can make it manageable, friendships and family can make it all enjoyable, but can you touch love. You can touch a person even capture the idea of their soul. But can you truly make Love a tangible? BEHOLD, I present to you Love, Love meet Apeiron. If you believe differently. I would love to have that conversation. :) How we define Love is in my opinion; a culmination of lessons learned.  Our own personal life experiences or those who made a imprint, from our past, present, and even formulated in our future. Well for me, I come from a very dysfunctional family dynamic. There was a lot of lessons learned in my childhood and adolescence. That stage in my life set the precedence for how I see things today.

Realizing because of those experiences, maturity set in way before it should of and the evolution of my emotional intelligence was derailed; Love was a wolf in sheep clothing. When defining at an early age in my adolescence what I wanted love to be ; those ideas had social acceptance and low self esteem attached to them. So, I knew that I wanted a sexy boyfriend, one all the girls wanted. He had to be funny and be the center of attention. I mean that's what I saw on t.v.. That's who all the rich, fancy and snobby chicks had. So, I found just that and mixed my pot with arrogance, self destructive and emotionally void playas. Cause every young naive girl likes herself a bad boy. And I invested everything I had trying to make Love out of those ingredients.. I sacrificed unconditionally, not only because I saw that in my ethnic upbringing but because Love was until death do us part. Fuck that... Well, now I can say that. Not everyone is going to have the same life experience but we all know what puppy love is, Wish I'd know then, what I know now. I had my son from that relationship and he has been by far the single best life altering, self sacrificing, love defining creation in my whole existence. I love you Oliver Thomas Jr.

The ingredients I was mixing was all wrong. I was taking other peoples relationship and formulating a list of what I was going to need for the perfect relationship. It only ended up the same because Love was as never clearly defined, expressed, taught, felt, or explained. I subconsciously duplicate the actions of those I looked up to and said I'd never be like if I didn't agree with the behavior. I had to formulate my own recipe for a successful relationship, but it kept coming out the same. What I realized in late 2011; if you could read my paper is that even though I changed those essentials, to things like God fearing, self confident, reliant, independent, family oriented, financially sound and intelligent. I was still just remeasuring an inaccurate depiction of a Love perfected. I kept trying to make it tangible. But to perfect the chemistry, some elements don't mix; while they may compliment each other, when mixed it still creates an explosion and it isn't sexually, physically, spiritually or mentally gratifying. Well maybe in the beginning while it starts to get hot and the compounds are creating the combustible energy. It requires more of a self understanding of what you will and will not accept in a relationship and removing the ones who spoil your Love Pot. Trying again, if it doesn't mix well and you have made a mess. Clean it up, start again, because what I put in my pot before I turn on the flame is something I have learned only by default. There has to be honesty, determination, goal oriented, emotion and intellectual maturity, attraction, philosophically inclined and spiritually hungry. Because together we will infuse in the heat of our passions, merge into a single element. That melting pot will become a recipe for our off spring to replicate with minor adjustments based off how they can improve their Loves melting pot.

 So, what are your ingredients and if you don't know, maybe it's time to take an inventory of what you have, need to keep and/or get rid of. The main ingredient for you is you.

In Love with Love DTD.

Defining Apeiron Love

Everyone always asks me what it means....you know the me Apeiron Love. See for me, it means more than it will mean to each person I explain it to. There will be those who get it and then there will be those who will say "oh okay" and move one. What is unique about defining ourselves to the world is that it can be a sub/conscious expression of ourselves as we want it to be received.

I remember when I was younger and my AOL name was cocorica. That defined me at that time. I was trying to instigate an audience for the purpose olf creating relationships on the premise of social norms. Sex sells and even though I didn't want just sex, I was young naive and uneducated. I was repeating by nature the actions of those around me and looking back; while I created an interesting group of online friendships; my label was merely an venue. Upon making connections, I simply exchanged my thoughts and boy did that help me sort through those that connected and those that were like "oh okay".  Was it a subconscious action in that stage of my life? I say absolutely.

Fast forward to present. I understand now what that truth defined for me, will create in my world; people who share that truth. Through the soul and thoughts of me and my life journey in this shell. So, Apeiron is interpreted by me as unconditional, without boundaries, space and timeless. And of course everyone can define for themselves Love.

I am the beauty in the eyes of the beholder, the clarity of light as it breaks and becomes visible in the prism of colors. The hues of an ambient sunset and the cumulus clouds on a spring day under a tree. The silence in a crowd observed by the people watcher and the erotic melodies of a saxaphone in a jazz bar. The breeze on a hot day and warmth of arms wrapped around you cuddled next to a fireplace in winter. The imagination of a storyteller and the mental elation of a free spirited thinker. I am the truth, the purity, and endless possibilities. While I realized that everyone is capable of love. I have set in motion an expression of self that is a venue for like mind thinkers who truly understand that there are no boundaries to life, the pursuit of your truth, happiness and for me LOVE.

In love with love. DTD

Introduction to Apeiron Love

While this will be the first entry and my introduction to blogging. I have to say I was intimidated by the idea of sharing my thoughts. I share them all the time just in fragments but, like a soda bottle, I have been shaken and my thoughts can no longer remain contained.  A very close friend of mine mentioned, encouraged and is actually the reason I am blogging. It is a way of sharing some of my complexities. While, I am far from being an english major, the words I will share with you are from a place that I have yet to discover but I am very aware the realms of my existence. To capture the beauty of this amazing journey, I submit and begin by slowly opening the bottle top. If I could paint a picture of events that have already taken place and the direction of my travels that have me at a heighten sense of awareness daily; they will be scribed. Captured in moments and delivered in real time, not just for self but for the one person who happened to stumble onto this page and for them it instigates a life altering experience through the energy of every word typed. So, I am going to close this post out and begin my next one. Defining Apeiron Love.........